Navigating Family Estrangement and No-Contact Decisions During the Holidays

By Elita Wong, PMHNP-BC

Why the Holidays Can Be Especially Difficult

The holiday season is often framed as a time of togetherness, reconciliation, and family harmony. Cultural messages, reinforced through movies, advertising, and social media, suggest that holidays are meant to bring families back together, regardless of history or harm. For people who are estranged from one or more family members, these narratives can amplify feelings of grief, guilt, and isolation.

Social media can sometimes intensify this experience. Carefully curated images of idealized family relationships may contribute to feelings of shame or self-blame, framing estrangement as a personal failure rather than a response to complex or harmful circumstances. For many, the holidays highlight not only who is present, but who is absent, and why.

Even though these messages can make some people feel like they are going through this alone, family estrangement is more common than many realize. One study showed that approximately 27% of U.S. adults report being estranged from at least one family member (Pillemer et al., 2020). This may reflect broader cultural shifts in how people define abuse, boundaries, and healthy relationships. Increasingly, people are recognizing that family titles alone do not guarantee emotional safety or mutual respect, and are not enough to justify ongoing harmful behavior. Sometimes it can also be a mismatch of an individual’s needs versus what others can provide.

“Holidays were identified as a major emotional trigger, and 90% found the Christmas period challenging.”

What It Means to Be “No Contact”

“No contact” refers to a deliberate decision to end communication with a family member in order to protect one’s emotional, psychological, or physical well-being. It is sometimes misunderstood as simply impulsive, punitive, or rooted in anger. In reality, it’s often not that simple at all.

For many people, no contact follows years of attempts to repair the relationship—through conversations, boundary-setting, therapy, or compromise. It is often a boundary reached when repeated efforts to be heard, respected, or treated safely have failed. For many people, especially younger generations, prioritizing mental health and relational safety has become an essential value rather than a selfish act.

Research suggests that family estrangement is often experienced as emotionally complex, with feelings of relief or protection coexisting alongside sadness and grief (Pillemer et al., 2020; Stand Alone & University of Cambridge, 2023). It’s not an easy decision to make and process.

What Are the Statistics Around Family Estrangement?

U.S. Prevalence

A nationally representative study conducted by Cornell University found that 27% of U.S. adults are estranged from at least one family member (Pillemer et al., 2020). 

Parent–child estrangement was among the most common forms reported. One study on 16,614 adult children estranged from their parents identified social inequalities–such as racism, homophobia, and gendered systems and oppression–as playing a role in estrangement patterns (Reczek et al., 2022).

Newer Survey Findings (Mainly U.S. and U.K.)

A more recent survey from the University of Cambridge (2023) on 807 participants who self-identified as being estranged from a family member found that:

• 80% felt there had been some positive outcomes of their experiences of estrangement, such as greater feelings of freedom and independence

• Holidays were identified as a major emotional trigger, and 90% found the Christmas period challenging

• 68% of respondents felt there is stigma surrounding estrangement

• Respondents estranged from parents cited emotional abuse as the top reason for estrangement, while those estranged from siblings cited a mismatch of expectations about family roles and relationships. Respondents estranged from adult children cite issues relating to divorce as a top reason.

The Many Reasons People Choose No Contact

Family estrangement is rarely caused by a single issue. Common themes identified in research include:

• Emotional or verbal abuse

• Physical or sexual abuse

• Repeated boundary violations

• Dysfunctional family systems

• Chronic communication breakdowns

• Identity-based rejection
  Particularly impacting LGBTQ+ individuals (Family Acceptance Project, 2021, Reczek et al., 2022).

• Values-based or political conflict

• Untreated mental illness or substance use
  Especially when it leads to instability, denial, or unsafe behavior.

The Emotional Landscape of the Holidays

The holidays can intensify estrangement-related distress for several reasons:

• Cultural narratives of forgiveness and family unity
  Some scholars have cited the social expectation of the permanence of parent-child relationships as one reason for this (Carr et al., 2015).

• Resurfacing grief
  Grief can take different forms. Some examples include thinking about the family one hoped for, or earlier holidays before rupture.

• Social comparison
  Media portrayals of happy families can be triggering.

• External pressure
  Friends, coworkers, or extended family may encourage reconciliation without understanding the full history.

Coping Strategies During the Holidays

• Normalize mixed emotions
  Relief and grief often coexist. This complexity is well-documented in estrangement research.

• Validate your decision internally
  No contact is a boundary that reflects personal values, capacity, and emotional needs.

• Prepare for guilt and self-doubt
  Feelings of guilt can be part of the grieving process. Self-compassion and grounding practices are essential.

• Plan for emotional waves
  Structured journaling, therapy sessions, actively participating in your life after separation, and spending time with supportive people can help. Distraction isn’t inherently avoidant and can serve as a short-term coping strategy during periods of overwhelm.

Boundary-Setting During the Holidays

• Prepare simple scripts for questions if you don’t feel comfortable sharing

• “I’m not in contact with my family for personal reasons.”

• “It’s complicated, and I prefer not to go into it right now.”

• “I prefer to focus on this moment with everyone here instead.”

• Choose which gatherings to attend
  Declining certain invitations can be an act of self-care. There are other ways to show people you care.

• Limit exposure to triggering environments if you are feeling particularly vulnerable
  This may include social media, alcohol-centered events, or specific people.

• Communicate needs clearly
  Let partners or friends know how they can support you. Sometimes we don’t know ourselves exactly what we need from others, and they are unsure about what the expectations are unless we tell them.

Reframing the Holidays: Creating New Traditions

Build chosen family rituals

• Dinners with friends

• Game nights or potlucks

• Flexibility with scheduling hangouts a little bit before the main dates, in case some friends are traveling

• Community gatherings for people without family holidays

Create restorative solo traditions

• Journaling or reflection

• Nature walks

• Lighting a candle and taking a warm bath or shower

• Cooking a favorite meal

• Intentional rest days

Redefine what the holiday represents

Not all traditions have to be the same, and traditions can evolve or be created. Instead of family unity, it might symbolize:

• Healing

• Autonomy

• Rest

• Creativity

• Chosen community

Find micro-moments of joy

Small rituals, new or old, can anchor comfort.

Change environments

Travel or neutral spaces can reduce emotional triggers.

Addressing Pressure to Reconcile

Pressure to reconcile sometimes comes from discomfort—others may struggle to sit with the reality of estrangement or misunderstand trauma and boundaries. Reconciliation is not always safe or appropriate, and everyone has a very unique situation. A recent survey showed that family estrangements are not always stable and cycling in and out of estrangement is common (Stand Alone & University of Cambridge, 2023).

Choosing continued distance is a valid decision, and sometimes it is an acceptance of what we cannot control. There are genuinely family members who can successfully reconcile, and values can evolve over time. This possibility really needs to be assessed on a case-by-case basis, alongside physical and emotional readiness and safety. Everyone has their own history, needs, and capacity with each individual family member. 

When Professional Support Can Help

Therapy may be especially helpful if someone experiences:

• Persistent guilt or shame

• Trauma triggers or flashbacks

• Panic, depression, or holiday-related anxiety

• Difficulty maintaining boundaries

• Loneliness or emotional overwhelm

• A desire to process complex grief

• Low appetite, sleep problems, or difficulty enjoying activities you typically enjoy

Supportive modalities may include:

• Trauma-informed therapy (such as ART or CPT)

• Structured therapy such as DBT or CBT

• Supportive psychotherapy

• Possibly medication management if mental health symptoms are persistent and impacting quality of life

A Final Note Going Into the Holidays

Family estrangement and no-contact decisions are rarely simple, especially during the holidays. For many people, this time of year can bring layered emotions—grief for what is missing, relief from distance, and longing for safety or understanding.

Decisions around estrangement are shaped by individual history, safety, capacity, and context, and can evolve over time. Some relationships change over time, others remain distant, and some may eventually reconnect. What matters most is honoring your own capacity, values, and sense of emotional and physical safety in each moment. Choosing distance, maintaining boundaries, or reassessing relationships are all deeply personal decisions that deserve care and compassion rather than judgment.

The holidays can also be an opportunity to redefine meaning—by creating new traditions, prioritizing rest, or surrounding yourself with people and spaces that feel supportive. Small, intentional choices can help ground you during periods of heightened emotional stress.

When estrangement or no-contact decisions feel overwhelming, sometimes professional support can help with processing, regulation, and clarity. With understanding, time, and the right support, it’s possible to move through the holidays in a way that feels more aligned, steady, and sustainable.

At La Lune Integrative Psychiatry, we meet you where you are, with empathy, evidence, and care for your whole self. Our board-certified providers in Arizona, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, and New Hampshire can design a care plan that takes into account your whole story.

We work with adults navigating complex family dynamics, mood and anxiety concerns, trauma-related symptoms, and major life transitions.

If you’re ready for support, reach out to La Lune Integrative Psychiatry to schedule an initial consultation.

References

Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., Koenig Kellas, J., & Vagnoni, E. (2015). Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement: Comparing reasons of estranged parents and adult children in a non-matched sample. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 130–140.

Family Acceptance Project. (2021). LGBTQ family acceptance and rejection studies. San Francisco State University.
Pillemer, K., Gilligan, M., & Suitor, J. J. (2020). Family estrangement in the United States. Cornell University Family Reconciliation Project.

Reczek, R., Stacey, L., & Thomeer, M. B. (2022). Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality. Journal of Marriage and Family. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12898

Stand Alone & University of Cambridge. (2023). Hidden Voices: Family Estrangement in the U.S. and U.K.